What the sense in that?....

Do you remember doing school projects on senses? Most of us are blessed with 5 senses with which we explore and experience the world. But our senses are also at work when we experience trauma. In fact there is some evidence that suggests our senses go into overdrive when we are experiencing a traumatic event.

If you have experienced something truly awful, a car crash, the death of a loved one, or something similarly traumatic, the chances are, there will be certain smells, sounds etc., which you avoid because they remind you of that trauma.Our third child was born in very difficult circumstances & spent some weeks in a Special care baby unit. Even now, many years later, I find it hard to cope with the sound of certain hospital equipment.

Many adopted and looked after children have experienced really horrifying abuse & neglect and become easily re-traumatised by, sights, smells, sounds, tastes and yes, even touch. I read recently of little boys who started cowering beside the bed when their adopted dad was taking off his belt to change after work. For them, the sight of dad taking off his belt meant they were in for a beating. Similarly, some of our children may find themselves unable to use public, or school toilets because the smell of urine triggers a memory of being left in urine soaked sheets or nappies, sometimes for days on end. They may not be able to verbalise that sense of fear but will behave in a way that lets us know they are not coping. Sadly these behaviours are all too often dismissed as naughtiness or stubbornness, or just bizarre.

I was reminded of this very recently. Our adopted daughter is at an age where she is losing milk teeth. One lunch time she started shrieking and clutching her mouth. She had bitten hard on her food and made a wobbly tooth bleed. She put her fingers in her mouth & pulled them out with blood on & immediately began to panic.We went through to the bathroom by which time she was shaking and screaming. To an outsider this would probably have looked like an attack of melodramatics but actually the sight of blood had transported her back into previous trauma & it took some time to talk her through the whole situation until she felt calm again.

What if your child's teacher had the same aftershave as her abuser. Could she be blamed for freaking out anytime he came near her? Not very convenient, but very understandable.
What if a certain type of music had been playing in the background when dad beat up mum. Wouldn't you expect that child to react when they heard that music again?
Sadly, we don't always know what has triggered a reaction in our children, but we can be fairly sure that if they start behaving in what seems an unusual or over dramatic way, something has caused them to be re-traumatised. It's so important to discover as much as we can about our children's experiences pre-adoption so that we can support them through these difficult situations. We can't change the past, but what we do in the present, can certainly affect the future.

Take a look at this...........

Those of you who are interested in how the Church could get more involved in Fostering and Adoption, take a look at these links! So exciting!

http://www.northpoint.org/foster#home

www.careforthefamily.org.uk/adopt

Father's day.

Father's day is fast approaching. I remember our first Father's day as adoptive parents. I had spent some time helping our little girl to make a card for her new daddy. But come the day, she wouldn't give the card to him. On my insistence that the card be given, she threw it at him! We were so shocked! How little we understood back then of how difficult it is for damaged children to trust the new parents they have been given. It's been a steep learning curve.
But hey, why should they trust us? They have been so let down so many times by the very people who should have been caring for them and keeping them safe. How are they to know we are going to be any different? We have to prove it........over and over again.

4 years on, last Father's day in fact, I left the same little girl wrapping a gift and writing a card for her not so 'new' daddy. I returned a few minutes later, to find her cutting out little stars from a piece of wrapping paper and sticking them on the envelope with sellotape. Underneath she had written,
 'you're a star' Wow! What a difference.

I have no idea what will happen this year.....it could go either way! But I really want to salute all you adoptive dads. You do such an amazing job, and you are so needed.
No matter how much our little girl tries to push her daddy away and pretend she doesn't need him, she is always so lost when he is away from home. She really misses his protection and affirming presence.

I love it that our Heavenly Father loves us so unconditionally. Even when we mess up, behave really badly and push him away, He is always there, ready to forgive us and welcome us back.
So many times I have seen David model that too: Pick up the pieces of whatever the latest outburst has been, and begin again with love and affirmation.

So, whatever comes your way this Father's day, whatever might be thrown at you, (maybe quite literally!) remember, your Heavenly Father loves you deeply, and I believe commends you greatly for loving against all the odds, the children who are so dear to his heart.

Happy Father's day!

How's that going to work?!

Somebody asked me recently how I thought another adoption would work in our family; how our existing children would cope etc. It's the kind of question people asked us before we adopted for the first time, and not unreasonable really. (In fact, it's the sort of thing I ask myself when we're having a bad day!) But I had to admit to this person & to the others listening that I had absolutely no idea how it would work, and that's the honest truth. Humanly speaking it's probably quite mad!
But this morning I woke thinking about the 3 women on their way to the tomb to anoint Jesus' body. On the way they discussed, "who will roll the stone away from the entrance of the tomb?" When we think of a stone, we perhaps think of something quite small, but this would have been a huge boulder, blocking the entrance of the tomb. Ridiculous to think of 3 women attempting to move it, & at that time of day they would be unlikely to find big strong helpers! So how were they going to get in to anoint Jesus? I guess they had absolutely no idea either!
So I wondered, why did they go? Why didn't they just stay at home? Well good job they didn't just stay at home, because when they got to the tomb, they discovered God had already been at work and the stone had been removed!
Sometimes, because we have no idea how something could work out, we don't bother to try.
But, if like these women, we move forward in faith, we often find that God has already gone ahead of us and been at work in ways we could never imagine!

Happy Easter!

Preparing for Mothers Day

Mothers Day is another one of those celebrations where two very different world views meet in adoptive families, causing some difficult situations. Many adoptive mums have waited years to be able to celebrate being a mum and suffered many painful experiences along the way. Having arrived at motherhood, most of us hope for a happy Mothers day, with a little appreciation or recognition. Perhaps a flower or card, or a hug & a thank you. But we are looking at the world from a point of view where mums are nice people, who love & look after their children; a world where mothering is something to be celebrated.

Sadly, our adopted children arrive in our families with a very different perspective. In their experience, mums are not always nice people. In fact, they may well abuse or neglect their children, and worse still, they may abandon them to the care of others. What is there to celebrate?! How are they to know that this new mummy will be any different? It takes a lot of time and patience to gradually begin to challenge this distorted view of life.

 I remember our first few Mothers Days post-adoption, being pretty miserable, with lots of difficult behaviours to manage. I usually ended the day feeling rather exhausted and unappreciated. But a couple of years ago I noticed something had changed..........me! This particular Mothers Day, our church was giving out pot plants for children to give to their mums (& to other ladies in the church.) Our little girl went to get a plant for me, but on her return, she put it in her toy pet carrier and told me she was looking after it for me. In previous years that would have really annoyed me, but I found myself smiling and nodding that I understood. And I did! Finally I'd got it. She wasn't being spiteful or difficult, she just genuinely couldn't manage to give the plant to me at that moment & I really understood how hard it was for her. Even so, I was able to celebrate that she had gone to get the plant & that she hadn't thrown it at me...... and who knows, maybe one year she will be able to give me a plant?!

Brian Post says that parenting damaged children is a gift to help you acknowledge & deal with your own issues. I don't know if he's right but I have seen God at work in my heart, and in the hearts of our whole family, as well as in our little girl. We are all changing.

So, this year, in preparing for Mothers Day, maybe we need to lower our expectations a little; understanding that our adopted children may view life differently. Maybe we should let them know that we understand how hard it is for them.
And if you have friends who are adoptive mums, give them a hug & a smile, they might just need it! :)

Seeking the Lighthouse

Wendy Grant's new book 'Seeking the Lighthouse' is now available from www.tlmtrading.com

"In life, there are times when fog descends and God seems far away, this might be the result of depression, redundancy, the loss of a loved one, a broken relationship or similar. This splendid little book is a collection of thoughts and prayers gathered on a journey through fog. It will encourage and reassure anyone who is finding it hard to discern God's presence in their life and perhaps point them towards the light that will safely guide them through the fog and towards the discovery that God has been there all the time." - Seeking the Lighthouse blurb

What really matters?

Firstly, apologies for the blog ‘diversion’.  It just makes it easier for us to update. I hope you found it ok.

Recently, I’ve been reading a book called, ‘The Incredible Journey’, with our youngest daughter. (We’ve had to miss out a few of the more scary/gory bits!) Unexpectedly, the Lord has used it to challenge my thinking. For those of you who haven’t read it, it’s a story about 2 dogs and a cat, who travel hundreds of miles across some of Canada’s most inhospitable terrain to be reunited with their master. They are often attacked, half starved & half drowned: occasionally they stumble across humans who feed & tend them, make them comfortable & offer them a home. But the animals, particularly the leader, Luath, a young Labrador Retriever , are unyielding in their determination to make it back to their master, and only ever stay in a place long enough to gain strength for the remainder of the journey. The final pages of the book were very emotional, as the writer describes the animals, exhausted, skinny & with many battle scars, being reunited with their master. And, because they were with him & finally safe, nothing else seemed to matter.

We’ve been having a challenging time recently. Occasionally I have questioned the sensibility of a second adoption. I’m not an adventurer by nature. I prefer to be safe & comfortable! While we were reading this book, I was aware that when the animals found safety, warmth etc., I was inwardly urging them to stay put & give up on the journey!  I am conscious that I easily lose sight of my ultimate destination; to be reunited with my Heavenly Father, and hopefully hear those words, “Well done, good and faithful servant”.

 When we are called to intervene in the lives of damaged and hurting children, in an attempt to bring some of God’s healing into their lives, we are entering enemy territory. We shouldn’t be surprised that we come under fire, but I confess I often forget that and wonder why my life is a little difficult at times! ‘The incredible journey’ reminded me that, whilst  I may well collect battle scars along the way, and become exhausted from time to time,  I must only rest for long enough to gain strength for the rest of the journey. I must not give in to the temptation to trade comfort for pursuing God’s calling.

The second thing that struck me whilst we were reading this book, is the importance of travelling companions. The animals in the story, though all completely different, were the most loyal of companions, defending and protecting each other despite all the odds. When we travel alone we become very vulnerable. I am so thankful to God for my adoption companions. In our church we have a prayer group especially for adoptive families. It’s so good to meet with others who are travelling the same path of faith & also the same path of adoption. If you don’t yet have companions for your journey, I would urge you to ask God to show you who they might be. Together we are stronger!

 Phillipians 3:13&14 forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead, I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenwards in Christ Jesus.

I pray that each of us will find the strength to press on J