Preparing for Mothers Day

Mothers Day is another one of those celebrations where two very different world views meet in adoptive families, causing some difficult situations. Many adoptive mums have waited years to be able to celebrate being a mum and suffered many painful experiences along the way. Having arrived at motherhood, most of us hope for a happy Mothers day, with a little appreciation or recognition. Perhaps a flower or card, or a hug & a thank you. But we are looking at the world from a point of view where mums are nice people, who love & look after their children; a world where mothering is something to be celebrated.

Sadly, our adopted children arrive in our families with a very different perspective. In their experience, mums are not always nice people. In fact, they may well abuse or neglect their children, and worse still, they may abandon them to the care of others. What is there to celebrate?! How are they to know that this new mummy will be any different? It takes a lot of time and patience to gradually begin to challenge this distorted view of life.

 I remember our first few Mothers Days post-adoption, being pretty miserable, with lots of difficult behaviours to manage. I usually ended the day feeling rather exhausted and unappreciated. But a couple of years ago I noticed something had changed..........me! This particular Mothers Day, our church was giving out pot plants for children to give to their mums (& to other ladies in the church.) Our little girl went to get a plant for me, but on her return, she put it in her toy pet carrier and told me she was looking after it for me. In previous years that would have really annoyed me, but I found myself smiling and nodding that I understood. And I did! Finally I'd got it. She wasn't being spiteful or difficult, she just genuinely couldn't manage to give the plant to me at that moment & I really understood how hard it was for her. Even so, I was able to celebrate that she had gone to get the plant & that she hadn't thrown it at me...... and who knows, maybe one year she will be able to give me a plant?!

Brian Post says that parenting damaged children is a gift to help you acknowledge & deal with your own issues. I don't know if he's right but I have seen God at work in my heart, and in the hearts of our whole family, as well as in our little girl. We are all changing.

So, this year, in preparing for Mothers Day, maybe we need to lower our expectations a little; understanding that our adopted children may view life differently. Maybe we should let them know that we understand how hard it is for them.
And if you have friends who are adoptive mums, give them a hug & a smile, they might just need it! :)